How to Write a Female


A regular theme on Twitter this year (and possibly every year, I’ve only really been paying attention this year) is how poorly some male authors write women. I haven’t noticed it myself, except when the writing in general is poor, but I thought I’d write this post to help demystify the female thought process somewhat. This blog presupposes that you are familiar with the ‘girl with the nail in her head’ clip. If not you can watch it here.

What follows is a behind the scenes look at what is actually going on in the minds of the two characters in the skit.


Male: There’s a freaking nail in your head. Of course you feel pressure. Take it out. Are you an idiot?


Female: Thank you genius. I know there is a nail in my head, I am not an idiot (I can’t believe you even thought that, is that what you really think of me? I thought we had a better understanding and more mutual respect than that. Sometimes I feel like you don’t even know me at all). And I’m a girl, moron, I do look in the mirror occasionally. But why is the nail there? Is that all that’s causing the pressure, or was it put in to help alleviate the pain? How far in has it gone? Has it pierced my skull, or, dear Lord, my brain? I can’t just pull it out, what if it has hit an artery and that small piece of metal is all that’s stopping me from haemorrhaging?

I should get an MRI. Except I can’t. no metal in an MRI machine, which means I have to have a CT scan and I’ve heard those things give you like a ton of radiation, what if I get cancer, or can’t have children after going in one of those machines? Not that I’m ready for children, because I’m not, I mean I need to graduate and then work for a while and really establish myself, you have no idea how competitive my field is, I can’t be distracted by kids right now. But after a few years, for sure I want kids. Maybe a bunch, I don’t know. But I guess I can’t have kids if I die of a brain infection thanks to this stupid nail in my head, so I’ll just have to have the CT and hope for the best. Maybe if I do some yoga or something beforehand it’ll help.

I may even have to have surgery. And they’ll keep me awake while they’re messing around in my head and that is so freaking weird I can’t even begin to think about that right now. And when it’s out, what then? I’ll have a hole right in the middle of my forehead. I’ll have to have plastic surgery, and don’t think I don’t know where they’ll get the extra skin from, the place they always get it from. The butt. So I’ll be a butt head. Great. I don’t need you to tell me there is a nail in my head and that it needs to come out Captain Obvious, I need you to listen to me and understand how terrifying this is for me, and give me the support I need to get through this. I don’t need you to solve anything; unless you’re some kind of brain surgeon suddenly, you can’t. So stop stating the obvious and please just listen and help me through the emotional stress of this whole ordeal.



Male: Wait – you want kids?


One thought on “How to Write a Female

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